


Out of the Bag

by Paraselene_Spear



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Cats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-25 10:09:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21354544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paraselene_Spear/pseuds/Paraselene_Spear
Summary: Sylvain and Claude get themselves into a conundrum. Dimitri unwillingly helps them out.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	Out of the Bag

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so desperate for certain Dimitri content that I've decided to bite the bullet and make it myself. I didn't want to jump right into it though, so I'm starting with this piece that I wrote on the fly instead. 
> 
> I've also never done anything like this before, so if you're wondering what level of writing to expect, I once took a creative writing class in 4th grade.

He knew agreeing to help Sylvain was a bad idea. The fact that Sylvain requested his presence should have been reason enough to decline, but the heir to House Gautier insisted that whatever the issue was wouldn't take too much of his time.

When Sylvain led Dimitri to his room for him to find Claude sitting on the bed struggling to hold a burlap sack that seemed to be _squirming_, Dimitri quickly pondered leaving the scene at that moment before deciding that solving whatever the issue at hand was would save more people than letting the two flounder to their own devices.

"Claude, Dimitri's here."

"Your princeliness, just who I wanted to see," Claude said nonchalantly, as if the sack in his arms wasn't attempting to wriggle its way out of his hold. "Sylvain, close the door. Wouldn't want anyone to wander in here unannounced."

As Sylvain closed the door, Dimitri watched as Claude felt his way around the moving bag, letting out a brief "aha!" as he found the opening and held the sack up from there. Sylvain sat down next to Claude and both looked upon Dimitri, as if they were the ones waiting for answers and not him. Still wondering whether he should up and leave now and let the monastery burn, Dimitri stared back at them, with the sound of whatever was in that bag being the only noise to fill in the silence.

"Why," Dimitri finally spoke, taking a pause to mentally soothe his brain, "am I here?" He waited for a response as Claude and Sylvain quickly exchanged a glance, as if they were communicating telepathically, before Claude replied.

"Forgive us for stealing away your precious time, but your buddy Sylvain and I seemed to have run into an unexpected issue, and we decided that a man of your caliber could easily solve the problem a hand."

"Does this _problem_ have anything to do with the violent burlap sack sitting in your lap?"

"Very astute, your royalness! Sylvain here can explain what the problem is and how we got into this mess, can't you Sylvain?"

Sylvain, doing his best to look as inconspicuous as possible, jumped at Claude's call before nervously clearing his throat. "Look, your highness, I can explain. About an hour ago, I was walking around the monastery enjoying the fresh air, gazing upon the moon, and what have you, being a model student and all-"

"You were looking for women, Sylvain, I understand."

"Your highness," Sylvain whined with a grimace, "you wound me! Do you really think that walking around and philandering is all I ever do?" Sylvain looked the prince in the eyes, giving him his best offended face.

Dimitri gave him a blank look in return.

"Okay, I concede, but that's besides the point. Back to where I was, I was wandering around the monastery when I ran into Claude here outside of the fishing pond." Claude gives a mock salute and flashes an innocent smile to Dimitri before returning to subdue the bag. "You see, Claude was looking for a particular burlap sack that he forgot and decided to retrace his steps through the day. I, being the perfect gentleman and upstanding person that I am, decided to help our rival comrade in finding his lost item. Luckily, I seemed to jump in at the tail end of the journey, and we found Claude's bag at the pond's stall filled with fish. Apparently the fishkeeper decided that an empty bag was free to use. Go figure."

Dimitri resisted the urge to roll his eyes and pinch the bridge of his nose. "Do you mind speeding up your recount a little?"

"Ah, of course, my apologies. Well, while Claude was busy dumping the fish out of his bag, I noticed that several of the monastery cats were apparently attracted to Claude and the lasting smell of fish guts emanating from him. This wouldn't have been too big of a deal if Claude didn't turn towards the cats and provoke them. One thing led to another, and, to make things short, Claude's big mouth got us attacked by cats."

"All I said was that if they wanted a free meal and a show then they could jump in the pond themselves and get it! Why are you acting like not saying something was what I should've done? They're cats! They can't speak!"

"Well, _evidently_, they can understand. Besides, I have every right to be upset here, the only reason I'm in this mess with new scratches and covered in fur is because I was standing next to you! This is what I get for trying to be a stand up guy."

"Enough!" Dimitri could feel the onset of another headache coming, and it wasn't because of the deep-seated trauma and nightmares. "I am sorry to hear about your feline kerfuffle, but what does this have to do with me? And for goddess' sake, what's in the bag?"

Claude gave Dimitri a puzzled look. "What do you mean _what's in the bag?"_ It's the cats."

"Oh. I see."

"Wait, _what?!"_

"Well, they wouldn't stop coming no matter where we went," Sylvain interjected. "At the risk of acquiring more angry scratches, we decided that trapping them in the bag was the best course of action." In response, the (more violently) squirming bag let out several angry meows.

"Why would- how did you- _why?!" _

"He already told you why, the cats wouldn't stop."

"That doesn't mean you just... _stuff_ them in there like potatoes!" Dimitri exclaimed at the leader of the Leicester Alliance. "How did you even manage to get them in there anyways?"

"It was actually pretty easy," began Claude. "You just run enough to get some distance, and when they jump at you, you just open the bag right in front of them. Pretty efficient, too, if you ask me, I got around four of them in here doing that."

"...and, pray tell, how many cats are inside the bag?"

Claude looked over to Sylvain who began raising his fingers to calculate the math.

"Around...seven? Maybe six? There's at least one kitten in there, I know that much."

Dimitri could only give his hardest glares towards Sylvain and Claude before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He didn't come to Garreg Mach for this. "While your situation is unfortunate, it still doesn't explain why I'm here."

Claude jumped in response. "It's simple, your princeliness. We just need you to take this bag back out to the fishing pond area and dump these felines out. After that, Sylvain and I can rid ourselves of a terrible night, you get the benefits of a late night workout, and then we can all agree to never speak of this to anyone ever again. Don't want anyone knowing that a future Alliance leader was defeated by cats."

"Don't want the ladies to know about this either," Sylvain added.

Dimitri let out a sigh. "Why, in your minds, do you two think I would agree to taking that bag?"

"Because we're friends?" Claude asked.

...

"...and because, if you don't, I tell everyone that all those missing training weapons are because you keep breaking them and throwing them out?"

Dimitri narrowed his glare towards Claude but refused to budge. He needed to stop bailing people out of their own problems. He could take a scolding or two from Seteth. It's not like training weapons were that expensive, he's been paying for new ones himself out of pocket.

"...or I'll tell everyone that you and Marianne have been-"

_Oh shit._

"Okay, wait, stop! Stop, stop, I get it," Dimitri pleaded. He let out a frustrated shrug. He should've known there would be some degree of blackmail. It's Claude. Still, Dimitri was so sure that they were free from watchful eyes. He'd have to be more careful next time.

"Hold up," Sylvain said, still out of the loop, "what's this about you and-"

"It doesn't concern you," Dimitri interrupted, hoping to move on as quickly as possible. "Just give me the bag."

"You see, I knew we'd see eye to eye on this," Claude said in his unsubtle sarcastic tone as he handed the (now admittedly calmer yet still meowing) bag to Dimitri.

"Yeah, thanks your highness," said Sylvain. "I told Claude that I could always count on you. You're the best. Truly an example of friendship. Also, has anyone told you recently tha-"

"You're sparring with me tomorrow."

"Yeah, okay."

As Dimitri prepared to take his leave, now one bag of cats heavier than before, Claude called out to him as he left.

"Oh, don't forget to bring that sack back to me! It's still mine, remember?"

Dimitri shut the door on his way out, wondering where the best place to burn this bag was.

**Author's Note:**

> Imagine dumping a bag of kittens on someone, that'd be therapeutic.
> 
> Granted they aren't irritated of course.


End file.
